mood:/

hey this is amy...long time no post. well i'm back at blue valley... on my last post i wrote bout a guy i clicked with... i didn't know his name then, but we have been in love for 7 months and it is wonderful. his name is grant. he is 18 now and graduated last year from the school i was at. i'm now a senior, and i'm still emotional, but much happier.

lately i've been going through a low point. my soul is sick. i am saddend by alot of things, but i will just have to work them out. it is hard for me to get others to understand. mostly because the problem is that no one understands anymore. i cant make everyone happy, and i try so hard, but i dont see anyone trying for me.

lately i've been "whiney and bitchy" to quote many people (including grant). i cry very often. when i cry, instead of a "oh amy, it will be alright, what can i do to help you." i get a "oh my god amy, not this shit again, dont start this, *roll of the eyes*, *heavy sigh*, shut up, etc" and the hard part, besides that being the exact opposite of what i need, is that all those phrases come as a packaged deal. not one, but all.

i wish grant would be the one to save me from my stress, i cant push that burden onto him, if only he were willing to listen and be understanding like he was before. i feel it is my own fault for him not putting up with "this shit". i mean for one thing, he constantly tells me that it is my fault for him being stressed. and that i stress him out. he never admits anything to be his fault. he has trouble with guilt. also he wants to make everyone happy too. he puts most everyone before himself, but not me... anymore... if he ever did. his past relationships have had soo much affect on our relationship. he has dated lots (i mean lots) of girls, actually been in a real relationship with like 3-4, and had semi-fling things with maybe 4. but i dont really care about past relationships at all.

i haven't really had many past relationships... 1 fling, and 1 mistake 1 night thing... and he knows about them, and they always bring him down. but of course his fling-like-things dont count cause he was wasted and blah blah blah. but all those girls he dated were jsut like movies and food or hanging out or whatnot. i dont care at all that he has no money to take me on dates or out to eat, but all those simple things i've never done with anyone, he doesn't want to do with me, becuase he had before and they are stupid or something. not to mention that he doesn't keep promisses he makes... i means them when he makes them, and he means to keep them, but he will always make plans over ours for him friends, becuase... i never really know, but he doesn't say no to his friends... unlike me.

i do want speical treatment from him, maybe some small geastures of kindness, or simple things... instead of him ditching out plans i wish just once he'd ditch his plans for me... i know he loves me, and i love him... it is the true love; where you will give up anything for him, and put his needs over yours, and forgive and forget anything... but alas, i somewhat do keep track of all the canceled plans, and everything else, it doesn't matter to me becuase i will love him no matter what, becuase love is patient and we have all the time in our lives to spend together...

but it would be easier for me if when i put everyone elses needs before mine... that somehow it didn't always end up that my needs arent' met. my soul has grown tired and the hurt gets to me and i cry out for help, but i only get haustile remarkes of complaint back, about me being selfish for crying and even bringing it up... givin that i'm not good at speaking my needs anymore. my confidence is really low about me speaking... but i do have all the hope and faith in the world that everything will work out in the end, but for now my soul is weak and a little help would make all the diference right now.